A Son He Never Had

I am trying to think of why the dreams I had last night.  Is this all a part of my menopause in life???   Started off with this dream that I kept going over to J’s house.  She was having a party with so many people there and  I didn’t want to be there.  I kept telling her that because I said I could see what was going to happen next.  I knew everything before it happened.  She didn’t believe me.  She just kept telling me to come in again and again and again.  I told her it was a dream I wanted to wake up from and stop dreaming over and over again.  But she wouldn’t listen.  She didn’t even listen when I fell to the ground and I knew there was broken glass on the ground that would hurt me, it was a green glass bottle, but a really buff good looking guy standing over me told her it was broken and she said it wouldn’t hurt me, but I kept looking at the broken glass and then my finger started to bleed and I told her “see?  It did hurt me?  Why didn’t you listen to me?”  And she just said that the buff good looking guy said I’d be okay and she believed him.  I told her it was a dream I wanted to wake up to but she didn’t want me to.  So I “woke UP” but then fell back asleep again and she grabbed my hand and we ran through these amazing massive paper chime like ornaments.  They flowed as she ran me through them but I was ahead and she was behind and the wind blew through them.  And then she said “I have such beautiful things in my house!!” with a child like smile but yet with the joy of my hurting.  I couldn’t speak and told her that my jaw was not listening to me to talk so I sounded like a drunken fool, yet when I got upset with her because she wasn’t hearing me I could suddenly speak clearly with my jaw working, then she just laughed again and I couldn’t move my lower jaw again.  I gave up.  I told her again this was all a dream and asked her to let me wake up, but she didn’t want to and took me to where she said I would be happy.  So I followed this time really following behind her and she took me up some stairs to a room and said “there she is.  Your daughter.”  And she was that beautiful child I remembered, with curly hair and cute happy face then suddenly her hair thinned to almost nothing, her curls were gone and she was withering away in front of my eyes… and at that moment I woke up for real… with my jackshitz (Rolly dog 3 years old) and Sparta my cat with me on my legs and felt calmed.  Until I fell asleep again and again my sister came to me and there was my other sister.  The one that betrayed me with my ex-husband whom I loved soooo much that it will be ’til death do me part.  She stood there in all her four years older than me perfection and ran to me and hugged me.  Her arms wrapped around me like a suffocating saran wrap.  Like a person who hugged you with all her betrayal in her arms just to kill me all over again.  I couldn’t escape and I couldn’t understand why my rose instead of the BJ was there and why my rose didn’t help me escape the arms that were suffocating me when she knew what that woman did to me.  Then I woke up again for the last time.  A time I thought would find me peace.  But it didn’t.  My next dream composed of for some reason signing up with the Canadian Army.  Only 12 would make it.  I signed up anyway even if I knew I was way older than all the others.  49.  Who wants a 49 year old?  So I took the test and then two weeks later got the approval.  I was in a haze and stupid and messed up the last few tests, but they wanted me there anyway.  But then it was all last minute and I had to get two leather jackets from my ex’s girlfriends back to them that they had by some strange reason left there for me to take care of, so I asked kindly that they would leave them in the basement and I would let my ex know that was where they could find them, then my two boys (not my daughter) were there proud of their mother but then the just disappeared, then it was all jumbled up because I was late late late to everything but they kept giving me reprieve yet looking at me like I was a loser, but kept coaxing me to keep going, that I would make it on that 12 only outside “train” waiting to take us God knows where I signed up to go to, which truly  did not know.   So in the end I’m trying to make sure my kids were okay, the ex’s girlfriends coats got to them, then suddenly realized Rolly was in my hands.  He had found me and was wet from the rain he ran in to get me, and I yelled “does anyone live near ….???” and one guy said yes and I asked him to drop my baby puppy to my neighbour who loved him and he said he would make sure all was okay… and then this transport like something open in an airport to transport you to your next destination showed up with my one spot open.  It was raining and I was soaked but I got on the bus…   Then next scene I’m on an airplane going who knows where to some warzone and there is a woman about 300 pounds on the two seats one of which was suppose to be mine.  And I smiled, and said it was okay I would sit on the arm rest.  Then some nurse handed us both a green lose weightish pilly thing.  I looked at her and she looked at me like I was avoiding taking it, and I looked at it and said “no I’m okay I can take it”  all the while wondering if she was wondering if I had had a glass of wine knowing it might mess me up if I did or if I took any other medication that might mess up whatever this green little pill was.  I took it at the same time as the larger woman and the commandeer smiled at both of us.  Then…. I woke up again then slept again…

And my biggest nightmare began and ended in the shortest of what I remember in dreams last night… (or now would have  been last last night).  I didn’t know where I was.  It was just simply NOWHERE.  Then I woke up and didn’t want to sleep again.

If this is menopause someone else can have it.  I’ll give it to them in a little green pill like that female commander gave me.  All in one with all the dreams that were before.

Anyone want something to think about.. here is my list for this 3:33 a.m. moment of my God hello0 (yes, I say that to God every time the hour strikes three 3’s and I make a wish everytime the clock strikes 4 ones.)

  • Hard Candy the movie – it will freak you out but it’s amazing
  • 4 HIM “The World of Desperation”
  • 4 HIM “The Measure of a Man”
  • Cat Stevens “Father and Son” (cause dad I was the son you never had so this my song to you even if I’m not gay I can change the lyrics to work perfect)
  • To my nephew who died of cancer three years ago… I so miss you Ross Tobey Keith “Cryin for me”
  • ?=MANY MORE… But last one is Lindsey Haun “When You’re Broken”.  When you are broken never stop believing in yourself.  Only thing is “little girl, don’t worry what you are going through”… go back to Cat Stevens…  to those words… “you may still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not…. ” then my fav… “how can I try to explain everytime he turns away again, it’s always been the same the same old story.  From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away… I know I have to go…..”  and to you dad… “all the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside, it’s hard… but it’s harder to ignore it… if they were right I’d agree, but it’s them not me………”… Dad I will go with you, but then I have to go.  I love you but you will never understand…. because I love Cat Stevens and he listened to the wind of his soul and he ended up only God really knows…. weird how that song brought him where he never knew in a way he never thought would bring him.  But his music brought him there.

Dad… he never had to make the same mistake because God took him.

And morning I’m sure broke like the first morning…

One last song that I don’t have on my iPod. 

Dad… for you… one last journey.. then I disappear … because otherwise I feel I’ll be singing this song…

“Goodbye papa it’s hard to die when all the birds are singing in the sky…

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun but the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone….

…. please pray for me… I was the black sheep of the family … you tried to teach me right from wrong….”

Find this song.  But you won’t see this post.  You don’t even know it exists.  Daddy I won’t end my life.  But I will start a new one after your wish of your daughters being together one last time.  Then I will disappear.  From your life, from my children’s lives who asked me to be close to them then never show themselves even if they could walk here.

I’m done.  I’m done trying.  49 and I’m spent trying to make everyone happy.

Even myself.

These dreams are telling me what dad?  oh ya and you mom.  Sorry I was a failure all my life.  God bless a mother who thinks the one who betrayed one of your good daughters, that only wanted good to others in life, is perfect.

This world sucks.

Goodnight.  And to my friends following??? believe it or not this was just a rant.   I DID NOT WASTE MY TIME ON EATING for this.  It was a let go… and I so just want to LET GOD.  He has to have better answers to this weirded out pathetic “I wish I had believed my parents about this great life of what?” world?

Someone give me a life book.. about the size of the bible to tell me how to cope with all the lies life throws at you??? And those who fail to want to hear the hurt you are going through because of all the bs they never taught you how to deal with?? OMG.. YA MOM  YA DAD why do you think I used to throw it all up?  And now that I”m not and cry and scream and am in a reality zone … why do you think I’m going in sane???? (meant that by the way.  IN  SANE).. not insane.

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