Lavishing In Anger – 1980’s Series

I was 18 years old in 1980 when my bulimia began.  I might have stated it in an earlier blog, but how it came to be was that I was told by my mother, after my sister had lost several pounds through Weight Watchers, that she and I were the only ones left that were fat in the family.  I had been fit until I was 16 when we moved away from a place I had finally rooted myself.  The move was devastating.  The new school had no sports, was dull and the lockers were all painted with camouflage to hide the graffiti.  My passtime became watching soap operas while eating a bag of crackers smothered with butter and peanut butter.  Then upon attaining a job at MacDonald’s I added Big Macs and fries to my nutritional diet.  Within two months I had gain 35 lbs.  I befriended a girl in school, who, word had it, had been quite large, but she was absolutely beautiful and thin and I met her.  One day she told me her secret about having her ice cream and eating it too, but not gaining any weight.  You can guess how this one went.  So I attempted this a few times without success until I remembered my CPR course.  Heimlich maneuver.  Once that was perfected, I started to lose weight and within four months I had reached my original weight of 130 lbs.  Alas, it did not stop there.  A couple of years later I was moved yet again.  A year later my younger sister was sent off to live with my older sister, so I was an only child for the first time in my life.  Expectations ran high in my family.  I was at university, and met great friends who kept me very busy, along with my writing my children’s book and my studies.  Suddenly I found myself not purging, but eating well, and back into sports, and suddenly I was 110 lbs.  My parents were frustrated and frightened.  They had found out about my bulimia, which at this time had commenced two years before.  I was now 20.  They threatened to throw me out if I didn’t gain weight.  There was a strange side of me that I remember well that made me happy that they were angry.  I was always trying to be the “good girl” and really was not noticed much.  There were four girls in our family and I was number three.  I never really felt as though I belonged.  (I still don’t).  But in this case I was getting attention.  Negative attention, but attention nevertheless.  And I kept thinking for all the times they made me angry, made me feel ashamed or not good enough (like when my mother said I was a failure graduating from university without a profession), I was doing it back to them.  Making them wonder why their child was doing this?  Maybe, just maybe, they thought what it was that they did to drive me to this behaviour?  I ignored their comments and as per my usual, I simply went into my room and hid.  Anyone out there have a similar experience?  And how did you deal with it?

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7 thoughts on “Lavishing In Anger – 1980’s Series

  1. I am often to blogging and i really appreciate your content. The article has really peaks my interest. I am going to bookmark your site and keep checking for new information.

  2. (((…

    Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children….

  3. Daniel_GGI says:

    looking forward to future post

  4. My Trackback…

    […]I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.[…]…

  5. Livvy says:

    Hi…I was bulimic when I started college. I was 18 yrs. old and it was in 1978. I was bulimic throughout college and when I went home to visit my parents it continued. My mother saw that I was throwing up …..but …just yelled at me to stop it. There was nothing ever mentioned about it again. Sooooo…..I continued….even got married and moved several hundreds of miles away from my parents. I got pregnant and stopped …”cold turkey.” I don’t think my husband knew…we haven’t ever talked about it. After my first daughter was born….I started up again…but stopped quickly thereafter and did not do it again..I always wondered why my mom didn’t get help for me or I’m not even sure in 1978 if they knew what bulimia was…..

    • Wow… July and now August and takes me this long to respond? I’m working through stuff but not bulimia anymore. And won’t let that stuff get me back there. For the first time I can have ice cream in my freezer and share it with my dogs and it still being there after two weeks. I can have piece of chocolate and it doesn’t trigger anything. Potatoe, hamburger… all that stuff that used to trigger doesn’t have a hand on the bullet anymore. I now know I am okay… and cured. For those who say you can never be cured it’s a lie. It comes from inside and I have other stuff I have to cure from inside. Baby steps. One at a time. Heart wrenching when I heard about Robin Williams. I figured there was more. Thought cancer. Thought something he didn’t want to deal with that was bigger than “life”. Meaning something you couldn’t change if you wanted. Parkinson you can’t. Making me think even more about my stuff. Taking a trip for the first time all alone, by myself, to a new place on my birthday weekend this year. Started off with very much anxiety… but more I think about it… and more I ya.. pretty well think about it.. the more I feel okay because it’s on my bucket list and a part of my next 25 year cycle… hoping for a part of another.. but I don’t ever take anything for granted when it comes to living anymore. 🙂

    • By the way Livvy, I started in 1980, ended in 2010. Quit for 3 between that, and another 1, so what… really 31 year of my life on and off. Don’t want it anymore and my mother who helped her grandchild through drug problems more so ever than she tried to help me means nothing… granddaughter went back even after all my parents’ efforts. I’m just saying, YOU have to want to change. It can’t come from anyone else. 🙂 It has to come from you. Some may say that it’s only been four years but it’s been more than that in those four years. The learning and healing in my bulimia in these past four year has spanned more than the 31 I struggled with it. I can’t quite explain this sentence, but suffice it to say there is no turning back and I really don’t care too. It was to me a stupid ploy of media and social dysfunctional attitude towards what humans should appear to be, physically, socially, intellectually, perfectionally that I still see instilled on my daughter and I will have nothing of it. NOTHING. Perfectionism is a curse I wish upon no one. So now I live with my dogs, with fur flying sometimes around me, and God knows not a perfectly perfect world of cleanliness, calmness, kindness. But heck… no debt, no major material possessions, just love. I’m good with that. Family that I wouldn’t trade for the world.:) hugs Livvy.

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