Porcelain doll… this is what I was told I was. Cold on the outside and yet so fragile. True. What is Bullimia? I would suppose it is something different for any one of my “colleagues”, but for me it was removing things from inside of me. Throwing them away and flushing them down the toilet. What things? Fear, abandonment, anger, frustration, hate, love, boredom, anything you can equate to emotions. You eat them up then throw them up. It was like a cleansing. It helped to not feel, to not hurt, to not experience what you really knew you should be experiencing. It’s a way of hiding from reality.
Many have told me that I am a bullimiaddict because I want to stay slim. Maybe. Maybe being “little” is a reflection of the feelings you feel of being belittled. Maybe you don’t want to be “big”. Maybe you want to hide behind a world of littleness. Of nothingness. You fill yourself with what is comfortable, or what was at least when you were young. Nice warm comfy meals. Then you think “oh my gosh I’m full. I’ve filled that void of anger, pain, hurt”. Then you think again “I don’t want the feeling of satisfaction because I DON’T DESERVE IT”. Or nor do the people who caused me to feel this way. It’s simple. Throw them up… drink lots of water… cleanse yourself. And then… have a cigarette, or glass of wine, watch your favourite movie and guess what? You don’t have to hurt anymore. You just threw up your emotions.
Bullimia is a wall. It keeps you safe from the aweful world out there. The aweful words you hate to hear like “I think I loved you once”, or “You are a pain in the ass”, or “You can do better”, or… or… or…
I am a bullimiaddict. I have been clean for some time now… some time… what is that?… long enough to know my emotions are surfacing again. I haven’t thrown them up. This in itself is a very difficult thing to live with. You then have to deal with the “I think I love you” or the “You are so difficult to love” or the “mom, I love you” but no word from them in months. Or the pain you watch other people go through. Each and every emotion makes your stomach ache for food to fill it up and throw up that emotion, be it yours or someone elses.
Someone asked me to start this blog. To share what it is that made me into a bullimiAddict. Here… I share. And this is only the beginning. This is MY introduction to my life.