#3 Boredom… I didn’t throw up tonight, but wanted to… however you and JJ helped me

I’m supposed to write about boredom in this blog.   It is partially about boredom.  Not many would understand this.  I was bored.  Bored because there was no one in my life… or so I thought.  So I called my sister.  She was cool.  I told her I didn’t throw up my anger, frustration, fear of not being loved and boredom.  She told me it was okay if I did.  I told her it wasn’t, and that I was proud I didn’t.  I didn’t eat and throw up my boredom, my anger, my pain.  I called out for help.  I think this all came from watching Charlie.  He made a difference in my life.  Controlling mother, absent father (although he did show up in a dream when Charlie almost drowned) , whimpy brother, loser nephew…. wow.  His life is heaven next to mine.  Why, you might ask?  I don’t know.  I spent three hours talking to a best friend and the poor guy had to listen.  He listened to someone not far from the Charlie character. Sublime, uncaring, caring, who the hell knows until you get that call.

Funny thing is I’ve been obsessing about Charlie Sheen these days.  A reason for this is this… father.. why the head drowned?… mother.. why controlling and cold… brother why a whimp? nephew why stupid?

I tried to equate it to my life of bullimia, just because I like Charlie. Charlie hates emotions.  I do too, but I felt some tonight.  He has too.  And he hated them.  He didn’t eat them and throw them up, he sexed them.  He still does…

Why did I tonight stop… even if I stopped for some time… I wanted to tonight eat and throw up my boredom, anger, frustration, fear, lack of love?.. Like I said above, I even called my sister and then my best friend??? WHY??  Because I think Charlie made me stronger.  His character lately (if it is a character) made me think.  Think about ME.  Not them.  Not THEM.  It’s about stopping the hurt, the boredom, the lack, the pain, the and so on….  it’s about ME now.  Taking care of ME.  Charlie, in his own sense is taking care of HIM.  May not be right in the way he’s doing it, but it’s HIS way.  I admire him for that.  I don’t agree with everything he’s doing, but for some dumb reason I understand.  I just do.

And so…. I didn’t throw up all the boredom and frustration and hurt BECAUSE I watched Charlie and then called a friend.  A friend I cannot thank enough, but has some semblance to Charlie.  He’s in the middle of me how I relate to Charlie… and HIM how he sometimes is like Charlie.

You know what Mr. Charlie Sheen?  You saved my life tonight… thank you.  And so did my JJ, but you started my reach out.  Thank you.

BTW no you in the show?  No two and a half.  If you get my drift.  I don’t want to watch this show if you are not there… for me to laugh and learn.  and to Ducky?  Please call Charlie… I’m okay that you’re a troll, but don’t discount Charlie.  He’s really more than you think he is.

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