Fear

It’s an interesting story.  My sister doesn’t understand anything about this.  So I promised to help her understand this world I lived in on and off for 30 some odd years.  So the first of the list of questions of why?

FEAR

I have worry troubles.  Always have.  Starting with today, it’s about my financial position, the fact that I am presently needing to rely on others.  I fear dependence.  I fear needing someone else.  I can’t really tell you why, when or where it all began.  Maybe from way back, maybe in the period of wanting to prove to my parents, to my ex-husband that I could do it on my own.  That I didn’t want to need them.  Maybe my fear came from not wanting to need someone.  This differs from the wanting to love.  This is about need.

So, when I am in a situation where I HAVE to need others I get tummy knots, and I have night sweats.  The night sweats really only started more so lately.  But they’ve been there for some time.

I fear abandonment too.  I fear that if I love someone they will disappear, or not love me or stop loving me.  This will be covered in more detail under the Pain (love) blog that follows this one.  Fear is all encompassing and drives me crazy.  It’s never stopped me from doing what I want to do even if fear is involved, but when the feeling happened it was easier to calm the tummy knots with comforting food, then throwing up what I feared.  It was only one of the many feelings I did this with.  It gave me a capacity to deal with what I didn’t want to deal with.

How does it work?  It’s just like a drug.  It subsides the feelings until the next time they happen.  For but that time you are eating you forget.  You are just enjoying the taste of what you like in your mouth.  But then discomfort, and the need to purge the emotions takes over.  Once the brain has set its sights on removing why you ate in the first place, it’s almost impossible to stop.  In my case it was impossible to stop.  I would start moving into a different stress zone.  How will I feel the next morning?  How will I feel later when all that food that was eaten for the wrong reasons sits inside?  That food was not consumed under normal circumstances.  It was an armour for the time being, but one that would only cause the thought that those emotions I ate would have the right to go through my whole body and run a course that it was not allowed.  It’s like opening up a bit but then shutting down.  Not letting someone know you.  I didn’t want the food to “know me”.  I let it rest for a bit then sent it off to where it should go – home before having stayed with me.  It had to leave.  It was not allowed to reside within me.  It was all the ugly I ate.  The ugly of fear.  And so … I threw it up.

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