Four months and six years

It’s a telling tale when you have gone for four months without a “friend”.  I did visit with “wine” twice.  One time with one glass visit, the other a two glass visit.  I have to admit I felt bad for “wine”.  I did not enjoy the company.  The taste was like drinking rubbing alcohol.  It didn’t have the old familiar sweet aroma.  It was not longer a friendship I felt close to, nor a feeling of possessiveness or obsession of the way it used to seemingly complement the meal I was having, or a source of achiement, a reward or sorts, for a hard long day at work.  Wine has lost its place in my heart, my mind and my soul.

This brings me to the same feeling I have about my bulimia.  However, in the case of my bulimia, I am enjoying what was to me an enemy.  Unlike wine being my friend, food used to be my enemy.  I find this to be an interesting view.  The desire to banish what I have eaten is no longer a question.  Food nourishes me, as is now my feelings of desire to accomplish, to be active, to read, to fulfill a side of me that wine could not and that food does not, but complements.

I am just about to finish the novel “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I am feeling a sort of sorrow knowing its coming to an end.  I have no idea what I want to read next.  I have a few books on my iPad, but I like to hold the pages in my hands.  I like the feeling of turning the pages.

Today, one of the lines I truly enjoyed was when her boyfriend tells her she is like a snail.  That she carries her home on her back.  I could relate to this very well.  In the 23 times I have moved, I have made a home wherever I have chosen to be.  I realized that the home is what I put in it.  The few belongings I have lugged around with me that make my new places familiar.  But that is the only thing that keeps me calling a place a home.

I don’t know where, in the external world, outside my right now tiny apartment, I belong.  I do not have any real friends other than my dogs and cats that I can just call up and go out with.  Having said that, I am quite a loner, and quite enjoy being so.  But there are the times when I would love to have someone to come by and share the deck with that overlooks a wondrous big pond with all the beauty of being in the country in the middle of a city.  I would love to have some interesting conversations about travel and passions, and such.  I’m not saying I don’t have any friends at all.  But I don’t have that one or two friends you know that you can count on now and again to get together and do something spontaneously.  I miss that.

Growing up, even when I moved around, I always found that one friend.  We were inseparable almost.  But I suppose when I got married, I took on his friends and I really didn’t have that one friend anymore.  And then when I divorced it was apparent that I had really no one left.  I did end up with a boyfriend to take that place… but when we broke up it was like I didn’t even want one.  I was tired of losing friends from moving and life experiences, that I chose to not have one.  Until last year.  I met someone that was my perfect best friend.  I finally found that one person I had longed to have in my life.  No commitments other than friendship.  We had so much fun together.  A year later he died, leaving me thinking again that its not worth the pain.  Yet I want this again.  I know though that these are not things you can just go out and find.  They are rare and beautiful occurences when you finally find that one person you just look forward to spending time with.

Well, I do have thousands of thoughts that are as disconnected as this post, but I will leave them for another night.  Maybe, just maybe, I will find solace in my writing and sending it out there to whomever cares to read it and to respond.

To all who have read it… have a great night… until the next time.

3 Months and Stepping Over A Threshold

Three months I have been without wine. I journalled about how I felt about that. Wine was my friend. But it wasn’t a friend that was a good influence. It was one to come home to but it was causing me to be apathetic about so many things. I let it go. I have moved on but with this moving on is the clearer awareness of solitude and searching for that who I truly am. A combination of me as a child and the me that is now with all that I went through.

Part of that realization came to me last week when I saw and spoke to my ex for the first time since the divorce about nothing more than just life in general. I had a strange sensation, as though the 15 years just past disappeared and I walked through a new door. A new beginning. A new and fresh start with a clean slate.

I updated my websites today and felt a new inspiration to complete what I so have wanted to in years. There are no excuses. I have the time. I now realize I have no excuse not to be able to devote myself at least part of my day to what I love. My cartoon character of 35 years and my courses for the next stage of my life.

A new chapter has begun.

There Is Never Enough Time

I heard this song and I realized that a big part of my life was lost to my bulimia, and to my self-centeredness and selfishness.  I didn’t realize I was any of those, buried in my addiction.  At the same time, looking back, I realized how lost I was through those years.  I never really knew who I was once my bulimia started.  I remember my mother telling me that I was not the Laurie she used to know.  She was indeed right.  I was not altogether gone, but a big part of that younger Laurie was – lost in the confusion of what it was that had taken over my life, and at times had sabotaged what could have been the most beautiful time in my life.

I won’t say that all was lost.  I did have some great times with my children.  Unfortunately, sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me that I did have those.

I know I lost their teenage years to their father.  In hindsight, this was likely a good thing.  I try to resolve with myself if that was selfish of me to not fight the mammoth harder to have more time with them, but in the end, the fight to do so would have most likely just applied more scars to what already was a nightmare of a divorce and ending of a family unit.

Today I am very happy and I have forgiven myself for many things.  I do believe, however, the hardest one is the questions of parenting.  But I have to let those go.  My sons and daughter have advise me to do so, and to stop being sorry for what might have been.  So it is my duty to myself and them to move forward as I am doing, and enjoy every moment I have with them, however brief and few now that they are all young adults.

I end this with the song I was listening to that does make you think…. and realize it is so important to embrace the time we have with family and friends and even more so, with self.  For when the times alone are ones that you cherish, it makes it all the more magical to share the love you have for yourself with others you love.

 

6 Years and 28 Days

dryfeb28days

So I did it.  I made it through my 28 days to raise money for cancer without a drop of alcohol.  It wasn’t that hard.  In fact, I am quite happy to say that today, March 5th, I am still not drinking, and really don’t see a purpose in doing so.

Last night was my first “social” outing since my “dry” month and everyone was, as to be expected, drinking.  I didn’t and really didn’t feel left out what so ever.  We went axe throwing, which was quite therapeutic after a difficult day with some trying customers.

I am now trying to figure out another “month” of abstinence for something else.  I am considering television.  I would say my cellphone, but it is  my only mode of communication and a tool for work as well.  So I am going to try the abstinence of the TV for a month.

What I learned during my dry month was that it was incredibly freeing.  Small things you wouldn’t usually consider would come to mind.  Like the evening I thought of going to buy shower curtains to cover my couch so that my cats don’t mess on it and ruin it.  It was 7 p.m.  On a normal night, I would have had my glass of wine with dinner, and my following “relaxation” glass.  So there was no driving.  This particular night I sat and thought “I’ll pick that up tomorrow”, followed by a tiny voice saying “you can do that now!!”  And I realized that what once imprisoned me in  my own home for going drivable distances was removed and I was free to go anywhere at any time.

Small things.

My desire to go out “for a drink and snack” were completely curbed.  I saved on dining out, but spent more on groceries, because I am enjoying cooking again and eating healthy.  My budget for the wine, however, hasn’t changed much, as I am enjoying my non-alcoholic wine, and that is not cheap.  Strange though.  If they are so encouraging sobriety, you would think they would sell these beverages at a reasonable price.  Having said that, my MADD wine is also a donation towards the (Mad) Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.

My energy level is so much higher, I can’t even sleep in in the morning.  I have to be up and about doing things I enjoy, and I even got a gym membership and have being going, although not on a set schedule, a very regular basis.  When not there, I do a small work out from home, just because I am enjoying it.

Work seems to be much more enjoyable as well.  I have always liked my job, as it is active and it is about helping people, but lately I am liking it even more.  Some of that excitement also comes from books I have been reading that are opening up my eyes to a new way of thinking.

Life is exciting me more these days.  Maybe it’s time to pull out my paint set again.  I have already been playing around with new sketches of my cartoon character, who has laid dormant for a few years.

Here is to new beginnings, thanks to my niece who asked me to join in on the fundraiser.  Who knew it would have this impact on me?

Just a note:  The campaign is going on until the end of March in donation collections.  If  anyone would like to donate to this cause, you can do so by clicking on this link.  I was amazed to find out that just over 2000 people participated and they raised $120,000.  I am at $25 (my own donation) at this time.  I am okay with that too.  It was worth every penny. 🙂  DryFeb Cancer Fundraising Donations Link

Six Years and Eleven Days

On the 11th of February I celebrated 11 days sober (I am a wine junky) and 11 years sober from my bulimia. This recent journey is bringing me to new places.  I am reading, writing letters and sketching – things I enjoyed doing but didn’t because I would just what to sit and watch TV with my trustee old friend Wine and relax.

There are a lot of things I am becoming aware of during this short time of complete sobriety.  I have been reading The Saint The Surfer and The CEO and it has opened my eyes to many issues I have to deal with and resolve. I realized I have had a closed heart for quite some time. It’s not that I don’t feel, but I certainly retain a wall around me to minimize the possibility of hurt.

As I go along this journey I am Journaling.  To that end I will share some of the lessons that are worthwhile.  To my friends out there still fighting the fight, don’t give up. As long as there is a spark still alive, it can still light the fire.

Don’t Mess With Me!

I love my animals. They remind me that unconditional love exists and that they love me for three reasons. I love them, I care for them and I feed and water them. So simple and they are so loyal. This is not simply with furries… this too with any tiny creature.

Fish are very much with personality too. I am sad to say Esmi passed away a week ago. This is my new baby Esmi II.  He filled the tank with life after Esmi passed. 

I felt horrible.  I think I overfed Esmi … tried too hard. He was 5 years old and I didn’t realize, albeit tough fish they are, they do age too. And as my daughter said… it was her fish dog I adopted.. “Mom, you know it is never healthy to over feed any creature”. True. Human or not.

Strangely enough I connected with the mother syndrome. My mother fed us out of love and I do same to all around me. Since now 6 years bulimic free I think I am realizing more and more a pattern. I eat healthy but still tend to want to feed myself sometimes and too others to show love and caring.

My daughter sent me a message. Sometimes just love without the excess food is all any creature or human needs.. and it’s healthier.

Love my daughter.. insightful…

Perfect is not all it is cracked up to be

I want to share this story. I don’t know who wrote it, but it is amazingly true.  And I thank @addictivedau for sharing. Life is about living and learning and loving yourself just the way you are. And removing the negative. Reminds me of the saying in the movie  Tin Cup… perfection is unattainable .  Well said.

Push the button. Best button I ever pushed. I found myself again.