Knowledge of learning to love again

The ghost is me!! and Hampy

Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!

You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper.  Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger.  I learned this.  And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….

I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

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I have lately been learning about NLP.  Very interesting.  Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you.  It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.

Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.

It’s freeing.  It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.

I feel alive again.  I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.

I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude.  But it’s feeling different now.  It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past.  Freeing.

Just because you are bullied… don’t bully back!

I remember when I was younger walking down the aisle of my Junior High School.  One girl named Cheryl would stand being Debbie and let me tell you! They scared the Hell out of me.  Cheryl was not a person you would want to contend with.  Debbie was about a foot shorter, and she was someone that you SERIOUSLY did not want to contend with.  Cheryl, I believe, was Debbie’s increased percentage of intimidation and ability to continue, what we call today, as bullying.  I’m not sure, you be the judge.  My mom would not let me wear jeans like all the other kids.  I wore clothes mom made.  Nice clothes.  I liked them.  But they were not anything like all the other kids wore.

In as such, I was threatened to be beaten up for being a fairy.

In hindsight, which we all know is known to be 20/20, I should have taken that as a compliment.  I do now, but again 20/20.  I wish had a better witt back then.  I would have asked “who, in any right mind, would want to beat up a fairy???”

Today I can laugh about those two years of Junior High going through this every day.  And I can smile more so remembering when the Vice Principle, upon my graduation, said he would miss me walking the halls always so beautifully dressed.

Reality check!! Looking back on that I believed him but as I got older, I thought it may have been a ploy to deviate my frustration and make me feel good.  It worked.

I never bullied back.  I think I am the opposite.  Having been bullied, so to speak, I feel solace in hidding.

Lately I reconnected with my beautiful daughter.

Why does this match with this email?  because she too was bullied about her weight as a child and never externatalized it to me.  So much we miss when we are so focussed on the bully rather then people we love and care for, particular our self.

WHy can they eat that much?

Okay, that sounds really mean.  But seriously sometimes I watch people and ask that question.  It’s not derogatory.  It is a question.

Since I have been free of bulimia, I have learned how to eat anything in proportion.  I will eat chocolate.  One piece subsides my curiosity or feel like having… not craving, of which I have little of for chocolate.  I allowed myself chips any time I wanted to.  That is something I love to this day, but by allowing myself that, I can tell you I actually have not had a chip in over 4 months.  I just know I can have it so I don’t care to have it until I feel like it.

Last month I went on a “Sugar Free September Cancer Drive” and made it through with no problem.  Funny thing is people asked me if I lost weight doing that.  I did not lose a pound.  I still ate!! I just didn’t have sugar.  Now that I am allowed sugar, the first day was … wow I can have my Greek Yogurt Caramel Frozen Bar.  I had it and loved it.  Only sugar I missed.  Anything else I don’t.

My point is, that I learn from allowing, and sometimes when I disallow for a good reason, like a cancer donation drive, it makes it fun, and I know I can go back and it changes my world. I realize at the end I really don’t need it.

Bulimia changed my world too.  It made me realize that small portions of anything are okay.  You don’t have to indulge in a big meal to feel satisfied.  Food doesn’t have to be what fills you up in life.  Or in the case the bulimia, what fills you up with your emotions that you need to eat and purge later.

I understand the overeating, because I have been there.  But today I don’t undersant WHY they can eat that much.  Meaning, I’m interested in the relationship with food and person.  Why are they eating that much?  I know the easy question is they love food.  Then the next question would be “do they?” or is something missing, or WHY do they LOVE food …

Pondering the thoughts…

And I will say again… some people say that overcoming an eating disorder means you always have it. I disagree.  I can’t even begin to tell you how I can’t even imagine WHY I did it for so long.  WHY I did it at all? I know the answer, but I don’t know WHY I let it go on for so long… or maybe I don’t know WHY I even should have allowed myself to start?  Those questions really though don’t matter to me much anymore.  What does is, WHY would I eat more than what just satisfies me?  Why would I want to eat to discomfort?  Be it discomfort for the night, the day, or to want to purge it to feel better and waste all that wonderful food, that could have been enjoyed in smaller, kinder to your body size portions.

Kinder to your body size portions.  It takes time, but you really know when you’re full when you eat slowly and within 20 minutes, your stomach tells you you’ve had enough.  And is happy you enjoyed what you had to that point.  Then stop.

WHY have a second serving, knowing it will make your friend, your stomach, not comfortable? And in a bulimic stage, horrified that it will have to purge that food it so enjoyed?

If we were one with our tummy, its enjoyment of the food you provide to it, in smaller amounts, that would build the proper relationship.  Even smaller more frequent amounts.  Just think how happy the two of you would be together.  In so many ways!!

Why food?  The only answer to that is to disengage the emotions related to food in your subconscious mind.  To associate food with love for yourself, not externally.  Not to use food as a blanket, but as a friend to you and your stomach and to not overexert one of your best friends… your tummy, who takes in the food you eat and takes care of the first part of digestion.  Eat what you want but WHY eat too much?  When it is so much more romantic to eat… not too little, not too much.. but just enough.  (Love Goldie Locks and the Three Bears… the story is very telling… just right)

Hugs… Just a thought.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My six year old enjoying food and friends. I missed my family though. Well not my neighbour family or furry family. Missed my parents and two sisters and mostly my children. 

My back was aching all weekend but I managed. And even if I didn’t feel fulfilled with my immediate family, I was thankful for my neighbour friends.

I have a sight called psychoticlove.com. There it speaks to the subconscious longing of hearing from my children. But as I have moved forward with my healing of my eating disorder, I have learnt to appreciate the love around me at the moment.

My healer said my back ache will leave me when my emotions release. I wasn’t in tune to that until I meditated on it and she is right.

My release means deeper breaths and letting go of the pain. Because when you ache you breathe shallow and tense up and become exhausted.  This too in love and missing that interaction.

Time to breathe, relax and let go to regain my energy.

Tina is awesome and I highly recommend her… 

If interested… contact me 😊

Feeling Left Out

I’ve moved my whole life.  From childhood, to when I became a young adult, to when I got married.  I moved.  Total moves? 23.  Now most people would say, “wow”, and others would say, “so what”.

I don’t know what caused this feeling of isolation and feeling left out.  My sister and I spoke about it today and we wondered.  Could this be because of so many moves? or are we just deficient in self esteem… or now I wonder if we are just too afraid to be involved… which then creates a reason for us to mirror that isolation and then prefer to be isolated by others.

I am not done with this thought and will edit further, but it took my brain a lot to even think this through!!!

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Bullies Are Scary Even As Adults 

I’m sitting here on my deck which is above the one the bully has. He had left the premises so I decided to come out to enjoy the silence. He usually plays his music loud and has a baseball bat that he bangs and then hits a ball into the lake for his dog. 

He had parked in my parking spot so when he left I moved back to mine. 

Then only 15 minutes later he returned. I am sitting here a bit disconcerted because for the first time he did not reenter his home. He is just lurking and horking snot and mucous and waiting for me to descend from the deck. This is am sure of. It is getting cold and I am trying to muster up the courage to walk by but not feeling the love.

His dog is barking incessantly in his apartment but he is ignoring it knowing it annoys the other tenant who lives above him. 

He is relentless. 

The landlady has had her share of threats but the fact that this guy has a past of violence leads he to be cautious almost to a fault.  But I don’t blame her.

There are four tenants in this house. We have all gone through some disagreements but this young man has brought us closers together with his tyrannical behavior.

It is not a fun existance the one of fear and intimidation. They tell me to stand up to him or to move. Then he wins. 

I refuse. And my mind is going a mile a minute each day to try to intelligently deal with this situation. You have to understand too that this is a beautiful place. Not one many would find with a lake in the yard right in the heart of town and the price is right. I don’t want to sacrifice that for a bully!!!

I know there are a lot of alternatives but many to me are not an option. Particularly since he has seen my daughter and my sister. I can’t tell you how frightening that thought alone is.

Well to all my readers if I don’t return you will know why lol. But I will continue to advise you of the story of the bully….. more to come.

My sister daughter parallels…

My beautiful baby sister is a loving bowl of handful of loving, meanness, loving, arguing, loving, jabbing at your sore spots, loving, punch buddy, loving, don’t mess with me hate you, loving, push the buttons that turn you red, loving…
My beautiful baby sister grew something up but not all and happy not all. But she turned a wisdom world of incredible understanding and kindness in 7 years of in and outs. Most outs were better than ins… until today… can say this mirror ironically is parallel to world of another special person in my life… my daughter. Super special.
This year… super special reconnect… 😍😘🤑🤗

Baby Me to Adult Me In Conversation

I cried tonight again.  I felt emotions that I really never felt before.  WE never felt before.  I am here, sounding maybe a bit weird, but with my baby self and she calls me the mommy self.

I spoke to my baby self tonight, one to the age of birth to approximately 11 years of age.  I think I was closest to my baby self during that period.  I believe I was defined in that period, and after 11 I lost myself to the world of expectations of other people.

Baby self said to me, when I said I am so sorry for letting you down, that she was truly impressed that I became a mother.  That I did it.  Because baby self always felt that the world of us, her and me, would be built solely on furry friends that loved us unconditionally.  I laughed at that comment she reminded me of.  But cried at her telling me that she was impressed that I did the mommy of human thing, even knowing that WE didn’t think we could ever do that.  WE never thought we could love anyone enough to marry, or to have human babies.  WE thought we would live in a world of animals and architecture, and loving US together, because really, deep down inside, we never knew unconditional love other then for for EACH OTHER and our furry friends.

Life has a very strange way of making a big circle.  When WE became pregnant, and I have to say that baby me and me today feel a bit of a distancing for that middle US, it was like having given birth to a big mouse.  We actually started the venture together as my 11 year old self.  The one that got her first pet.  A mouse.  So when the 26 year old of us, still feeling like she was 11, adopted a mouse while pregnant, that survived the spouses snake (there was agreement that if the mouse didn’t get eaten after a few days I had the right to take it and make it mine)… like my first mouse Marvin.

This is getting confusing.  Suffice it to say I did while pregnant, save one of those mice and carried it with me, in a nice little  carrying basket the size of a purse, everywhere I went.  My now ex thought I was crazy.  Who could possibly not agree with him?? Except me.. my baby me.  Us.  We remembered the nurturing of the first love we had, and it happened to be a mouse.

Unfortunately I “we” were so excited about saving this mouse, and how well trained he was, that “WE” took him out of his basket to show someone how cute he was and well the 26 year old US dropped him.  Two days later he died.  Brain injury.

I guess that had to make US… grow up.  And focus on the baby inside our body.  SCARY!!!!  Animals love you no matter what.  I had a mother.  I know the hell she went through.  A child is not that forgiving.  Suddenly reality.  But I could never understand reality.  WE could never.  WE grew up Disney and baby animals.  My parents let me bring up more and more types… guinea pigs, and it didn’t stop.  I had all sorts, and took care of his fish.  Didn’t know fish much. Although come to think of it they were my first critters, but they couldn’t cuddle me.  I couldn’t hold them.

(have to give this part in now before I leave it for forgetfulness.. I have one now because of my daughter and failed to keep her’s alive .. but this one… I carry around in a cup now and again to share his life outside his aquarium!!! WE… that is me and young me!! we just do so love animals… critures… Elly May… my favorite TV character).

I continually digress, with tears in my eyes while writing this.

Little LaurieAnn spoke to me tonight a lot.  I have call her that now because going through this, she is advising me she is not the baby that wanted to be an actress, she is the little me that wanted just to be.  Happy alone.  Happy with people.  Hurt when ignored. Loved the world of pets, not so much of people.  But yet of people.  Inside internalized, yet those moments of extroversion.

So Little Laurie decided she would come out and play with me today.  She seems to have blocked out the bulimic, the ages of 18 to 48.  Except she gives me this aplause.  That I somehow in between what she and I agreed to in life to never be, that I managed to be a mother.  She tells me not to be so hard on myself that I wasn’t a perfect one, because she remembers we agreed we would never be one to begin with.  That we would never fall in love.  That WE would be there for each other always, but always remember to love others.  My little Laurie reminded me that OUR path in life diverged at the age of 18… we stopped following the path we wanted because silly Big Laurie fell in love.

But Younger Laurie who followed me through 18 to 24 to when we lost touch for a while remind me…. You built a brilliant mind, and great desire.  I lost you through those years because you started trying to please everyone else… then married, then lost me.  Little Laurie is now saying to Younger Laurie…. you idiot.  We never lost each other.  You just got lost in bulimia which helped you get through being what everyone else wanted you to be… but in between all that, Younger Laurie, Little Laurie and Older Laurie are proud… thank you for being a mom… and giving us our best friends that you really only knew how to love like you loved unconditionally…. those beautiful babies you did your best… and then let go of… are ALL of OUR best friends, knowing it’s our job to keep loving them unconditionally, not theirs to love us in the same way.

To this end, and I know all this sounds weird, but I want to say … Laurie… Little Laurie… thank you… I love you.  I love your dreams, with no expectation and I remember how you felt. and sorry you felt alone.  To Younger Laurie, I am proud of you.  You made it through.  You felt you had to prove that you were something.  You really never had to to me, but you did it… and to the Older Laurie.   You did keep trying to prove or give a legacy.  But like Little Laurie said… how the hell did you do it?  You did super stupid awesome stuff between 11 and 55.  Cheers.  I love you and am proud of you… this to … My all Laurie stages.  And here’s to my knowing unconditional love, as per my ex asking me how to teach him?  You can’t… but I really believe it’s born with one human’s ability to love an animal, and understand that animal’s unconditional love.. from there you fly!!  All over love… 🙂

It’s the gem that makes you understand how to love yourself…