I cried tonight again. I felt emotions that I really never felt before. WE never felt before. I am here, sounding maybe a bit weird, but with my baby self and she calls me the mommy self.
I spoke to my baby self tonight, one to the age of birth to approximately 11 years of age. I think I was closest to my baby self during that period. I believe I was defined in that period, and after 11 I lost myself to the world of expectations of other people.
Baby self said to me, when I said I am so sorry for letting you down, that she was truly impressed that I became a mother. That I did it. Because baby self always felt that the world of us, her and me, would be built solely on furry friends that loved us unconditionally. I laughed at that comment she reminded me of. But cried at her telling me that she was impressed that I did the mommy of human thing, even knowing that WE didn’t think we could ever do that. WE never thought we could love anyone enough to marry, or to have human babies. WE thought we would live in a world of animals and architecture, and loving US together, because really, deep down inside, we never knew unconditional love other then for for EACH OTHER and our furry friends.
Life has a very strange way of making a big circle. When WE became pregnant, and I have to say that baby me and me today feel a bit of a distancing for that middle US, it was like having given birth to a big mouse. We actually started the venture together as my 11 year old self. The one that got her first pet. A mouse. So when the 26 year old of us, still feeling like she was 11, adopted a mouse while pregnant, that survived the spouses snake (there was agreement that if the mouse didn’t get eaten after a few days I had the right to take it and make it mine)… like my first mouse Marvin.
This is getting confusing. Suffice it to say I did while pregnant, save one of those mice and carried it with me, in a nice little carrying basket the size of a purse, everywhere I went. My now ex thought I was crazy. Who could possibly not agree with him?? Except me.. my baby me. Us. We remembered the nurturing of the first love we had, and it happened to be a mouse.
Unfortunately I “we” were so excited about saving this mouse, and how well trained he was, that “WE” took him out of his basket to show someone how cute he was and well the 26 year old US dropped him. Two days later he died. Brain injury.
I guess that had to make US… grow up. And focus on the baby inside our body. SCARY!!!! Animals love you no matter what. I had a mother. I know the hell she went through. A child is not that forgiving. Suddenly reality. But I could never understand reality. WE could never. WE grew up Disney and baby animals. My parents let me bring up more and more types… guinea pigs, and it didn’t stop. I had all sorts, and took care of his fish. Didn’t know fish much. Although come to think of it they were my first critters, but they couldn’t cuddle me. I couldn’t hold them.
(have to give this part in now before I leave it for forgetfulness.. I have one now because of my daughter and failed to keep her’s alive .. but this one… I carry around in a cup now and again to share his life outside his aquarium!!! WE… that is me and young me!! we just do so love animals… critures… Elly May… my favorite TV character).
I continually digress, with tears in my eyes while writing this.
Little LaurieAnn spoke to me tonight a lot. I have call her that now because going through this, she is advising me she is not the baby that wanted to be an actress, she is the little me that wanted just to be. Happy alone. Happy with people. Hurt when ignored. Loved the world of pets, not so much of people. But yet of people. Inside internalized, yet those moments of extroversion.
So Little Laurie decided she would come out and play with me today. She seems to have blocked out the bulimic, the ages of 18 to 48. Except she gives me this aplause. That I somehow in between what she and I agreed to in life to never be, that I managed to be a mother. She tells me not to be so hard on myself that I wasn’t a perfect one, because she remembers we agreed we would never be one to begin with. That we would never fall in love. That WE would be there for each other always, but always remember to love others. My little Laurie reminded me that OUR path in life diverged at the age of 18… we stopped following the path we wanted because silly Big Laurie fell in love.
But Younger Laurie who followed me through 18 to 24 to when we lost touch for a while remind me…. You built a brilliant mind, and great desire. I lost you through those years because you started trying to please everyone else… then married, then lost me. Little Laurie is now saying to Younger Laurie…. you idiot. We never lost each other. You just got lost in bulimia which helped you get through being what everyone else wanted you to be… but in between all that, Younger Laurie, Little Laurie and Older Laurie are proud… thank you for being a mom… and giving us our best friends that you really only knew how to love like you loved unconditionally…. those beautiful babies you did your best… and then let go of… are ALL of OUR best friends, knowing it’s our job to keep loving them unconditionally, not theirs to love us in the same way.
To this end, and I know all this sounds weird, but I want to say … Laurie… Little Laurie… thank you… I love you. I love your dreams, with no expectation and I remember how you felt. and sorry you felt alone. To Younger Laurie, I am proud of you. You made it through. You felt you had to prove that you were something. You really never had to to me, but you did it… and to the Older Laurie. You did keep trying to prove or give a legacy. But like Little Laurie said… how the hell did you do it? You did super stupid awesome stuff between 11 and 55. Cheers. I love you and am proud of you… this to … My all Laurie stages. And here’s to my knowing unconditional love, as per my ex asking me how to teach him? You can’t… but I really believe it’s born with one human’s ability to love an animal, and understand that animal’s unconditional love.. from there you fly!! All over love… 🙂
It’s the gem that makes you understand how to love yourself…